The Power of Naming

I used to watch soap operas when I was younger but they almost drove me insane!

What used to infuriate me the most was how everybody would always jump to conclusions.

For example, Miss Long-Legs would see Mr Square-Jaw lovingly embracing Miss Pouty-Lips and simply assume they were having an affair. A heartbroken Miss Long-Legs would then leave on the next flight to Mexico (without even telling Mr Square-Jaw where she’s going) only to return a year later and discover that Miss Pouty-Lips is in fact Mr Square-Jaw’s long-lost sister (hence the hug).

A simple conversation would have immediately cleared up the misunderstanding. Alas, now it’s too late for Long-Legs. The lovelorn Square-Jaw has gone and married someone else on the rebound. Arrrgh!

Since soap operas on television are annoying enough, why do we often act like we’re in one? For example:

1. You send an sms to a friend and receive no reply. Now you wonder: “Is she ignoring me?”
2. Your husband is curt with you on the phone. You assume: “He must be mad at me about something.”
3. The new boss doesn’t greet you back in the corridor. Immediately you think: “What a jerk!”

The thing is: you’re not in a soap opera. Most likely:

1. Your friend didn’t get your sms or had such a hectic day she forgot to reply.
2. Your husband is upset about something completely unrelated to you.
3. The new boss didn’t hear you and was too preoccupied to notice you passing.

So the next time you find yourself:

   ♦   Over-analysing what you might have done to offend someone

Call these actions by their true name: “soap opera behaviour”!

Remind yourself of this important fact: I’m not in a soap opera! I’m living in a world of real people.

• Real people forget to call back, even when they really intended to.
• Real people say the wrong thing sometimes, without actually meaning to hurt you.
• Real people have lots of real problems, so it’s highly unlikely they have a problem with you! 

Yes, like in soap operas, one occasionally encounters a villain or a crazy person. But they’re rare. Most people are normal. Not perfect, but normal. Meaning they don’t harbour a secret vendetta or enjoy playing strange mind games with you!

Rather assume the best: assume there is a rational explanation for the thing that upset you, and then either let it pass, or talk it through with the other person. Like people do in real life.

TV has enough soap opera; you don’t want your life to turn into one too…

It can be tempting to just abandon ship.

Abandon our current lives for another, completely new and different, life. New house. New job. New friends. New everything!

And sometimes that’s necessary. If our boat is sinking, it could be our only option. In other situations, it might take doing something really radical (like emigrating!) to find the life we desire.

But most of us can’t simply abandon ship. So we feel stuck in our current lives. Stuck on these old, creaky boats, just bobbing there on the ocean. Going nowhere.

However, if you can’t immediately have a brand new life, it doesn’t mean you’re stuck with this one. You can still create a different life for yourself…gradually.

The problem with the word “change” is that it can cause us to think too big: make us assume life-changes always involve sweeping, drastic decisions. So how about we rename the word “change” for ourselves?

Let’s use another word for the personal changes we wish to make to our lives. Something smaller and more manageable: tweaks.

Instead of trying to radically change your entire life, aim to continuously tweak it.

The idea of tweaking our lives actually has a whole lot of advantages over the idea of changing them. It’s less intimidating for one. It’s also a reminder that every single day we can improve our lives through making minor adjustments, through fine-tuning our actions and environments.

The other great thing about tweaking is that afterwards we can always evaluate whether we like “the tweak” or not, and try something else. Extreme life-changes may require a greater commitment than we can stomach right now. Reinventing our entire life is exciting but it can feel too violent. Tweaking allows us to play around and experiment. It’s a far gentler way of bringing about life changes.

Play the name game with me

1. Think of an area of your life which you’d love to change.

2. Now stop talking about changing this part of your life. That word “change” could be making you think too big and too radical at this stage.

3. Rather start using the word “tweak” and imagine only tweaking this area of your life. Brainstorm some minor adjustments and improvements you could make.

Here are some examples:

♦ You’re bored with your life

Maybe you don’t need to make a drastic change, like moving to a foreign country. Your life might be livened up by tweaking only one element: how you spend some of your evenings.

For example, you could join a social dance studio. Studios teach a variety of ballroom and Latin dances to beginners. They also hold social dance nights every week. You don’t even need a partner to join.

Who knows: dancing could end up becoming a whole new passion for you, broadening your musical tastes and introducing you to different people.  

♦ Your home is making you depressed

Which is why you’ve considered redecorating. Only that’s quite daunting. And can you even afford it?

Perhaps you were initially thinking big changes. Like new lounge suite. New kitchen. Even knocking down a wall or two! But tweaking your living environment (rather than totally changing it) can be just as beneficial.

For example, maybe you don’t need a new lounge suite to brighten up your living room; maybe you just need less stuff. Throwing things away or removing a piece of furniture could open up the space wonderfully. And it won’t even cost you.

Likewise, perhaps you don’t need a whole new kitchen after all. One tweak could make you happy, such as a bright paint colour on the walls. Or perhaps your frustration is really stemming from the disorderly way you’ve packed your kitchen cupboards. A better organised kitchen could be the real solution here.

♦ You hate your wardrobe

You wish you could throw the whole lot out and start from scratch! Tempting as that is, it’s best to start small. Focus on merely tweaking your current look for now.

Men, you could buy a new style of dress shirt or a different colour jacket from your usual work attire. Ladies, you could experiment with dresses or skirts if you don’t normally wear them. Different style shoes. Accessories.

Aim to gradually build a new wardrobe for yourself, one piece at a time. For instance, if you’d like to be more elegant, invest in a classic, tailored jacket. More funky? Pick up a quirky belt.

Be patient. Eventually the clothes you hate will get weeded out and replaced by clothes you feel good in. More and more, you will begin to love the way you look.

So don’t abandon ship just yet

Perhaps your life only needs a few screws tightened or a little oil on the parts that squeak. A new coat of paint? I bet there are uncharted seas just waiting to be discovered…without you needing to jump ship. Bon Voyage!

Many of us should join the circus. As jugglers.

We’re so good at it, constantly juggling all our different commitments and responsibilities to ensure we never drop any balls.

We’re also good at to-do lists. They seem necessary, vital even. Without to-do lists, how would we be able to keep our eyes on all the balls?

But to-do lists aren’t necessarily solutions to our crazy juggling acts. In fact, they could be making things worse!

1. In the first place, we tend to overestimate how much we can accomplish with our time. Our to-do lists are crammed full, giving us too many balls to juggle.

2. Some tasks shouldn’t ever appear on our to-do lists (a lot of “should-dos” or “ought-tos” get mixed up in there). Each time we add an unnecessary or unrealistic task onto our t0-do list, we are only creating another ball that needs juggling.

3. Worst of all, we carry over all undone tasks into the next day’s or week’s to-do list. Meaning more balls to be juggled. That’s right: our juggling acts just got even crazier!

I have an idea. A naming exercise to make some of those juggling balls magically disappear.

Stop labelling any task that is not absolutely urgent or important as to-do. Instead, rename the majority of your to-do tasks as: will-get-done.

Why such an optimistic name?

Because I believe these tasks really will get done. They will get done without you needing to worry or stress about them. Actually, without you needing to think much about them at all. They will get done because this is the inevitable outcome for most tasks, whether you plan to do them or not.

So that feeling you have, of juggling too many balls? Take away some of those balls (some of your to-do tasks) by changing the way you think about them. Change the way you name them.

By calling them “will-get-done tasks,” tasks stop being balls you need to keep juggling. They become weightless, like soap bubbles.

What a lovely picture. Balls turning into bubbles, floating on the breeze.

So let go. Relax. Trust that at the appropriate moment, each bubble (each task) will land in your hands and then you will do them. One by one, things will eventually get done. Some tasks will even float away, never to be seen again, because they weren’t important after all.

Here are some practical examples of how this could work:

Task 1: The kitchen floor badly needs mopping

• Normally you’d add this task to your mental to-do list and feel frustrated when a busy day meant it didn’t get done…again!
• Now you don’t try to fit it in and it ends up getting done anyway. Not straight away, but done.
• How? Something happens, like 2 days from now, your kid spills juice all over the kitchen floor. Which means you now actually have to mop the floor!
• The point: A lot of tasks work like this: when they become totally unavoidable, you’ll just do them, without needing to schedule them in.

Task 2: You’ve been wanting to e-mail your friend overseas

• Normally you’d have this on your to-do list for ages, but keep putting it off, waiting for a free hour to magically materialise. And you’d be feeling really guilty for neglecting your friend.
• Now you lay off your guilt trip, but a few weeks later, still send her an e-mail.
• The reason? Perhaps you get an e-mail from your friend first and it just seems natural to respond immediately. Or maybe you spontaneously decide to send her a Christmas message because this season has made you reflect on all the people you care about.
• The point: Many tasks will get done when the timing is somehow right.

Task 3: A non-urgent but semi-important work task

• Normally you would see this on your to-do list for weeks and feel depressed that it’s never crossed off. That something else more urgent always crops up.
• Now you stop worrying. And one day, you find you actually do it.
• The trigger? Your boss could suddenly want it so it finally becomes urgent enough to make proper time for. Better yet, you might even arrive at work one morning and simply feel like tackling it. You find you just want to do it…no matter what else is on your to-do list for that day.
• The point: By refusing to concern ourselves with when or how certain tasks will get done, we experience less psychological resistance toward these tasks and more motivated to actually do them.

Can this approach really work?

In my experience, it does. I suspect it’s because we stop being such control freaks and learn to flow more with our lives. To-do lists are rigid by nature. By forcing ourselves to follow them, we can find ourselves fighting against the current when life’s flowing rather differently than we had planned.

A will-get-done approach to doing is about flexibility: doing tasks as they come our way, in whatever order that may be. We flow with life. We feel lighter.

And that’s the aim: to feel lighter. Less stressed-out. Less anxious. Because our to-do lists are emptier and we’re optimistic that the other stuff will still get done.

Try it for yourself. Perhaps life doesn’t have to be such a circus!

Makeover. The very word makes us sigh.

We wistfully dream of being chosen by some TV makeover show. Transformed overnight from humdrum to gorgeous.

Imagine having a brand new look. New hair. New clothes. Feeling more edgy or sexy or sophisticated – whatever look it is you secretly covet.

I recently watched an old episode of America’s Next Top Model (where the girls are made-over) and thought how much I’d like my own makeover. Suddenly, I remembered my upcoming hair appointment. And it struck me: what is any trip to the hairdresser, but really a makeover in miniature?

I realised that I actually engage in mini makeovers all the time:

• Each time I get a wax
• Visit a hair salon
• Buy a new item of clothing
• Mix and match things I already own in ways I’ve never done before

It’s true. Every single time I change my appearance in any way, I am actually performing a mini makeover on myself.

How about you? Have you ever thought about your appearance in this way?

Maybe it’s not so much our looks that need a makeover, but our minds. I have two suggestions:

Mindset Makeover No.1

Rename all your routine appearance changes (from haircuts to new clothes) as mini makeovers: 

1. Stop calling shaving or getting a wax chores. Label them “mini makeovers.” After all, think how good you look and feel afterwards!

2. Don’t see haircuts or root retouches as routine appointments. Instead, view them as “magical makeover moments.”

3. Rename normal clothes shopping “fun makeover outings.” Though you can’t redo your entire wardrobe at once, you can still gradually create a whole new look for yourself, one item at a time. And if you have no spare money for clothes right now, then window-shop and get inspired for future makeovers.

Mindset Makeover No.2

Break out of routine and become more adventurous with your own look:

1. Make small changes. For example, try a different colour lipstick or a new style of sunglasses.

2. Do something different with your hair. Ask your hairdresser for suggestions or get a friend to help.

3. Experiment with fashion. Try on clothes which are completely different from your normal style. Seriously now, what have you got to lose? That’s what changing rooms are there for: to secretly try out as many different looks as possible!

Makeovers aren’t just for the lucky few. Like America’s Next Top Model. Or rich celebrities.

Makeovers are possible for you and me too, once we’re willing to makeover our minds. Then we’ll be able to see the opportunities which exist all around us, continuous chances to have our very own makeover moments.